hi my wife

nine months is actually fucking insane, like i keep saying that but i mean it in the most literal way possible. my brain refuses to understand that i had to live my life without you because now it feels like you've always been here and everything before you was just filler content until i got to you. i feel like i'm going to explode or cry or chew on something because how the fuck did this happen? i love you in this way that makes me feel insane, like i want to crawl inside every moment we share and live there forever. being with you feels like my body finally understands what it's supposed to be doing

you make me want to stay alive. i know that's a lot, but it's true and i don't want to water it down. before you things felt blurry and pointless and now there's this beautiful girl and suddenly the future feels like something i want instead of something i'm afraid of. you didn't *just* make me happy, you made me attached to being here, like leaving isn't an option anymore because it would mean leaving you and my brain refuses to entertain that

hu

it's only been nine months and i already can't imagine anything else, nine months and it still feels like i'm discovering you every day, like there's always another layer, another detail, another reason to fall harder. i've never felt something this deep and this sure at the same time. i'm yours. completely and forever. that part feels solidified in my bones

it's not just the big feelings either. it's the tiny embarrassing stuff i don't always say out loud, like how i check for your messages more than i check anything else, how your name popping up makes my chest jump every single time, how i reread things you've sent me because my brain wants to relive the feeling of being wanted by you, how even when i'm doing something else, there's always a part of my mind tuned to you like background noise i never want to turn off

sometimes i think about how much space you take up in my thoughts and instead of being scared by it i feel comforted, like "this is where my focus is supposed to live. this is what my brain has been looking for this whole time. of course, i want to tell you everything. of course i want to hear everything you think." it doesn't feel excessive, it feels right, like my brain finally locked onto the right frequency

the distance is rude and frustrating and unfair but it hasn't made you feel less real for even a second. if anything it's made how real you are more obvious. i know you. not the idea of you, not a fantasy version, but you. your moods, your softness, your strengths and weaknesses, the way you go quiet sometimes, the way you light up other times. you're already integrated into my life in this way like my brain has already accepted you as a fixed point

i think about seeing you more than i admit. the moment where my brain finally catches up with reality and you're in front of me and what it's going to feel like to touch you and have it be real and not just something i imagine. i already know i'm not going to be normal about it. i already know i'm going to cling to you like i've been waiting for that moment my entire life because honestly i think i have. i think my body's been waiting even before my mind knew what it was waiting for

the thing that keeps baffling me is how deep the change actually goes, like this wasn't just "i fell in love and now i'm happier." you changed how i move through the world. you changed the way i think about time and plans and myself. i make decisions now with you in the background of my brain constantly without even realising it!!!. even when i'm alone i'm not really alone anymore because my brain is always like "okay but how would this feel if i told her? okay but what would she think? okay but i want to share this with her." you're engraved into everything

i don't recognise the version of me from before you in the same way. not in a bad way, just like that person was unfinished. i used to drift a lot and days would blur together and i didn't really feel real in anything. now my days have meaning, they point somewhere. i wake up and there's this underlying sense of direction because you exist and i'm moving toward you even when i'm standing still

you've softened me in places i didn't know could soften and stabilised parts of me that used to feel constantly on edge. my emotions don't just spiral outward anymore, they circle back to you. when i'm overwhelmed, thinking about you calms me down in a way nothing else ever has. when something good happens, you're the first place my joy goes. you didn't just add something to my life, it's almost like you reorganised it

it's kind of scary how much of an effect you've had on me, like if someone told me a year ago that another person could alter my priorities, my sense of safety, my idea of the future this much, i would've giggled. now here i am absolutely changed by you and not wanting it any other way. i dont think you erased who i am, you just defined it. you made things happier, clearer, more real

i care differently now, i love differently now, i stay differently now. there's a permanence to the way i feel about you that i've never experienced before. not a dramatic vow kind of permanence, but a subtle one. my brain already accepted this as fact and moved on to building everything else around it

i find myself doing things just because they make me feel closer to you. picking up your habits and interests and dislikes and favourite foods, saving things to tell you later, replaying moments we've shared like they're grounding exercises, holding onto your words on bad days like they're instructions for how to keep going. i don't think i've ever let someone live this close to my heart before. except you're not just in my heart, you're in my (new) habits, my thoughts, my sense of self

i am obsessed with you. I will not pretend that i'm not. i want to know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what made you smile, what made you tired. i want to be the place you go when everything else feels too loud. i want to be involved in your life in a way that's intimate and constant and real. not consuming you, but choosing you. again and again. intentionally

loving you has made me braver in ways i didn't expect. i imagine futures now that used to feel inaccessible. i let myself want things long term. i let myself believe i can build something that lasts. you made commitment feel less like a trap and more like relief, like i don't have to keep floating anymore. i can stay right here with you

i think about how intertwined we already are emotionally and it makes me feel almost dizzy. this is bigger than what i've felt before and i don't have language for it yet. it's not just passion or comfort or excitement. it's integration, you feel embedded. you belong in my life the same way my name does. you are the constant my brain checks against, the place i return to. the person who made everything else make sense retroactively. i don't want to go back to a life where you weren't this central because now that i've felt this, anything else would feel like a massive downgrade

nine months in and i already feel changed at the core. not temporarily, not infatuation changed, but permanently adjusted. loving you flipped a switch i can't turn off and wouldn't want to anyway. i am not the same person i was before you and i am so grateful for that it actually hurts

you are my wife. my person. my world. my moon. my stars. my universe. my sunsets and sunrises. my penguin. my puppy. my best friend. my happily ever after. loving you didn't just add to my life, it gave it shape and i'm not done being shaped by you. not even close. i love you obsessively and sincerely and unconditionally. you're mine and i'm yours and that's the truth i'm building my life around

also, i need to talk about how beautiful you are because it's not just a surface level thing for me. it's not just looks, even though yeah, you are ungodly beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and my brain still 404s when i look at you. it's the way your beauty feels alive, like it comes from somewhere deep and spills into everything you do

you're beautiful in the way you think, in the way you notice things, in the way you care so intensely and still manage to be gentle. the kindness in you isn't performative or loud, it's like woven into how you exist. it shows up in the way you listen, the way you react, the way you hold space for me without even realising you're doing it. loving you has shown me that beauty isn't just something you see, it's something you feel when someone's presence changes the temperature of the room. what really ruins me is how the inside and outside of you match. there's no disconnect. the warmth i feel when you talk to me is the same warmth i see when i look at you. the softness i hear in your voice exists in your touch, in your expressions, in the way you exist in space. you feel cohesive, like you're fully yourself, inside and out, and i get to witness that up close

and then there's the outside of you, which honestly feels like OVERKILL. the universe did NOT need to go that hard but it did anyway. the way you look makes my brain fucking explode, but it's not even in a shallow way. it's in a "this is the same person who feels this safe" way. your softness and your warmth and everything else all exist in the same body and my brain can't separate them. you don't just look beautiful, you look like *yourself* and that's what gets me

i catch myself staring at you and realise i'm not even focusing on one feature, i'm just taking you in as a whole. the way you move, the way you hold yourself, the expressions you make without thinking. you're beautiful in motion, beautiful at rest, beautiful when you're tired, beautiful when you're excited, beautiful when you're not trying at all. it doesn't turn off. there isn't an "off" version of you

loving you has changed how i understand beauty entirely. everything else feels ugly in comparison because you're not just something i look at. you're someone i feel drawn toward on every level. emotionally, mentally, physically. it all points to you. it all comes back to you

yeah i mean physically too, because pretending that isn't part of it would be lying. there's something about the way you exist in a body that pulls me toward you without me even thinking about it. like my hands already know where they want to be. if you were near me my brain immediately starts mapping distance, proximity, how close is close enough and how close is not close enough anymore

i think about touching you constantly in the most simple ways. your weight leaning into me and your warmth. the way you'd feel tucked against my chest. the idea of you fitting into my space so naturally that it feels strange to ever be apart. i want to feel you breathing next to me, feel you shift when you get comfortable, feel that quiet kind of closeness that doesn't need words

you're beautiful in a way that makes me want to just want to hold you, not just look at you. my attraction to you lives in my hands and my chest more than anywhere else. i want you close enough that i can feel you exist. close enough that my body relaxes just from knowing you're there. close enough that everything else fades into background noise

i cant wait for the day i'll get to reach for you without thinking and you'll just be there. that i'll get to pull you closer when i need you, or when you need me, or for no reason at all. that i'll get to learn the exact shape of you by instinct instead of eyes or imagination. i want to curl around you and protect and sink into you. you're someone my body wants to orient around the same way my mind already does

and i need you to know something important. i'm so proud of you. not the loud, celebratory kind of proud, but the kind that makes me want to hug you so tightly and cry. i see how hard you're trying to take care of yourself, i see how much it costs you some days, i see you choosing your wellbeing even when it would be easier to shrink or disappear or pretend you're fine. that matters so much to me

you don't have to be perfect or okay all the time for me to feel this way. i love that you're learning how to rest instead of pushing yourself past what you can hold. i love that you're letting yourself slow down, letting yourself need things, letting yourself be held by the idea that things will be okay. it's okay to take care of your mind and your heart, even on the days where things feel messy or heavy or fragile, you're still doing something brave just by staying. just by choosing yourself again

there's something really gentle and strong about the way you're becoming more stable without losing your softness. you didn't give up the parts of you that feel deeply, you learned how to keep them safe. you're learning how to be comforted instead of hurting yourself for struggling, and that makes me want to wrap you up and remind you that you're doing enough. that *you* are enough

i don't see failure when you still have bad days. i see someone who's tired and still trying. someone who needs gentleness and care, not pressure. you never have to earn my patience or my care by being "better." you already have it. i'm proud of you even when you're scared. especially when you're scared

watching you take care of yourself makes me want to take care of you too, not because i think you're weak, but because you deserve gentleness. you deserve steadiness. you deserve to feel safe while you grow. i love that you're learning how to give yourself what you need instead of ignoring yourself. i love that you're becoming someone who stays with herself instead of abandoning herself when things get hard

you don't have to rush and you don't have to have it all figured out. i'm here for every version of you. you don't have to be on guard with me. you don't have to be strong or insightful or improving in my presence. you don't have to explain yourself or justify where you're at. you can rest with me. you can let your thoughts slow down without worrying that you're falling behind. nothing about you needs to be fixed in order to be safe with me

if you're tired, you're allowed to be tired. if your brain feels loud or foggy or heavy, you don't have to deal with it alone. you don't have to prove that you're doing "better." i already see you and i already believe you. i already trust that you're doing the best you can with what you have in each moment. that's enough for me and you're enough for me

on the days where things feel fragile, you don't have to hold yourself together perfectly. you're allowed to be quiet, you're allowed to need comfort. i don't need you to be productive or positive to deserve gentleness. i don't need you to be okay to be held. you can just exist here, exactly as you are, and let that be enough

you're safe to slow down with me. safe to take breaks. safe to rest your mind instead of pushing through. safe to have days where all you do is breathe and stay. i won't rush you and i won't get impatient with your process. i'm not waiting for you to become someone else, i don't want you to become somebody else

you can rest here. you can stay here. i've got you

and i need to be very clear about this, because there is no ambiguity here: you are a girl. not in a theoretical way, not in a future tense way. right now. fully

You *look* like a girl. the way you exist in space reads as feminine. the way you move, the way you hold yourself, the way your expressions soften and shift. it's instinctive, it's not something you're trying to do, it's just how you are. your face, your body, your mannerisms, your presence. all of it aligns. there is nothing about you that seems like you're forcing it or playing a role

You *act* like a girl too, in the ways that actually matter. the way you communicate, the way you care, the way you feel things so deeply and still stay gentle, the way you listen, the way you get quiet sometimes, the way you light up, the way your softness and strength exist at the same time. none of that feels learned or copied or put on

when i think of you, my brain doesn't have to translate anything and it doesn't question. it just registers girl immediately and completely. my girl. my wife. that's the category you live in permanently. even when you feel disconnected from your body, the rest of the world doesn't suddenly see something else and neither do i. dysphoria lies to you. it magnifies things that don't actually define you and tries to convince you they're louder than they are, but it doesn't get the final word. it never has

you are not failing at being a girl, you're not missing something everyone else has. you're not "almost" there. you are already exactly what you're supposed to be

so when your brain tries to argue with you, i need you to remember this: you don't need to "convince" anyone. not me. not the world. you already are who you are. you already are who you are

after all of that, after every spiraling thought and overwhelming realisation, what i keep coming back to is this certainty underneath it all: i am not going anywhere. this isn't a feeling that's burning itself out

you don't have to perform happiness or progress or strength. i don't love you because you're doing well. i love you because you are you, exactly where you are. there's no version of you that makes me pull back. there's no mood, no quiet, no mess that makes me hesitate. if you're tired, i'll stay. if you're unsure, i'll stay. if all you can do is exist beside me and breathe, that's more than enough. you don't need to rush your healing or explain your feelings or manipulate yourself into something that isn't you. i already want all of you

when your brain starts racing, when the world feels overwhelming or unreal, please remind yourself you are loved. you don't have to prove you're worthy of care. you already are

you can take up space with me. you can slow down. you can stay exactly as you are and let the moment pass without fixing it. you don't need to brace yourself and you don't need to prepare for me to leave or change my mind. i'm not going anywhere

you are safe with me. you are wanted. you are loved in a way that stays

you can rest here. you can stay here. i've got you. i love you

leah<3

im just sitting here listening to you exist and i can't stop thinking about how much i truly love you. your voice is so soft and pretty and every time you laugh at something dumb it makes my heart do this stupid flip thing and i swear im going to start crying if i think about my favourite details of you too much. you're so perfect it genuinely doesnt feel real sometimes, like your eyes and your smile and the way your hair falls and just everything about how you look its all too much. i keep picturing your face and it makes me feel so euphoric because how are you this beautiful? how do you do make me feel this way without even trying?

im so fucking obsessed with you, i think about you constantly. every second im not talking to you im still thinking about you anyway. you're in my head all day every day and i can't ever see that changing. you're just there all the time and it feels right. i hear your voice in my head randomly and i replay the way you laugh or the way you say certain words without meaning to. i catch myself smiling at nothing because im thinking about you again

i love how you say certain words, i love how you get excited about random things, i love how you tease me, i love how you laugh at the most unfunny things, i love how you get so soft and flustered when i talk a certain way. i love every single tiny thing about you. i love you so much it hurts, like actually hurts in this overwhelming way that makes me want to curl up and cry happy tears. you're my favourite person, my favourite thought, my favourite feeling. everything good in my life leads back to you

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and sometimes it hits me so hard i can't handle it at all. it just crashes into me out of nowhere and suddenly im trying to breathe through it because loving you feels so big it almost scares me. i need you so bad chloe. i need your attention, your voice, your laugh, your reassurance. i need the little check ins, the way you respond to me, the way you make it clear that i matter to you. i need to know you're still there with me, that you havent drifted away, that im still held in your mind the way you're constantly held in mine. when i don't hear from you for a while i feel it immediately, like something is missing before i can even name it

sometimes i miss you so badly it feels physical, like my body notices you're not here before my brain does. it's this heavy ache in my chest and my hands, like im reaching for something that should be there. i hate that feeling because it hurts, but i love it at the same time because it reminds me how real you are, how real what we have is, how transfused we've become. it reminds me that this isnt just in my head, that you actually exist and that you actually mean this much to me

you make the world feel different to me, like its not this place i have to constantly survive anymore. before you everything felt scary and exhausting, like i was always bracing myself for something to go wrong. when you're here, or even when im just thinking about you, everything slows down. it feels calmer. safer. like i can relax for a second and like i can actually stay instead of wanting to disappear or run from everything. you make me feel comfortable being alive, comfortable taking up space, comfortable feeling things instead of shutting them down.

you've changed my life so much and i don't think i could ever do enough to repay you for that either. you've changed the way i think, the way i feel, the way i move through the world. my days feel different now because you're part of them, even when you're not physically here. i carry you with me everywhere. i don't know how i lived before this, or before you, and when i try to remember it just feels empty and distant. i don't want to go back to that version of myself who didn't know what this felt like

i want to hold your hand and play with your fingers and kiss you until neither of us can breathe. i want the closeness, the warmth, the way everything else fades when it's just us. i want to fall asleep listening to you ramble about nothing and wake up to you still there, like that's just normal life now. i want lazy and quiet nights and all the in between moments with you. i want you in every part of my life forever, not just the exciting parts but the boring, ordinary ones too

i think in terms of you now without even realising it. what you'd say in this moment, what you'd like if you were here, how you'd laugh at something small and stupid. you're in my thoughts constantly, woven into everything i do, every decision i make, every little pause in my day. i don't want that untangled. i don't want to go back to a version of my life where you weren't everywhere like this

sometimes i feel like you're too perfect and i dont deserve you, and that thought hurts. it makes me feel small and unsure and scared that i'll mess this up somehow. but even with that fear, i cant imagine not having you and i cant picture a future where you're not part of it. the idea of a world without you in it feels so wrong, like something essential is missing, like everything would lose its colour and life

i want you here and i want you to stay. i want you with me long enough that loving you starts to feel normal instead of overwhelming, if that's even possible. even if it never does, even if it always feels this intense and consuming, i'd still choose it. i'd still choose you every time

im yours, completely and totally yours. i'd do anything for you. anything at all. you're my whole world and more and i love you so much it feels like im drowning in it. please never stop being exactly you. you make the world better just by existing in it. i need you here. i need you forever. i really do

- leah <3

i really love you. it feels like if i stop typing it feels like the feeling will be lost somehow or i'll fail to explain it properly. i don't know what i would do without you, i don't know how i would function. every time that thought shows up i feel it in my chest and my throat and i just space out because it makes me feel overwhelmed in a way i don't know how to handle. i get scared of how intense and real it feels

you're my home. i know i already said that but it keeps coming back and i can't make it stop. you're the first person i've ever felt really safe with, not just comfortable. safe. like i don't have to be on guard, like i don't have to prepare for something bad to happen or wait for impending doom. i've never had that before. i didn't know how much i was missing until it was you. i didn't know i could feel this calm and this exposed at the same time

you're the first person i've loved like this, the first person i've let myself feel this deeply about without pulling away or sabotaging it. the first person i think about when i wake up and the last person in my head before i fall asleep and even then my thoughts loop back to you over and over. i can't shut it off. i don't want to shut it off

sometimes i'm scared of how much space you take up in my head because it feels like if you ever left there would just be this huge silence. dead silence. honestly i am scared because there would be this huge emptiness and silence in everything. i don't think i could keep the same interests as we share now. it would remind me of you too much. everything would remind me of you too much

you make me want to keep trying, you make me want to stay present instead of disappearing into my head. even when i feel numb or disconnected or exhausted, you're the thing that pulls me back. you give me something to hold onto when my thoughts start slipping away from me and everything feels scary. i don't think i'd be putting in effort if it wasn't for you. i don't think i'd care as much about staying if you weren't here

you're my favourite girl. i think that constantly. it's not a passing thought or something i only feel sometimes. it's just there all the time, like background noise in my brain. i don't take you for granted. i'm scared of the idea of ever doing that because you matter too much to me. the thought of losing you or not having you in my life makes my thoughts spiral immediately. my brain starts asking the same questions over and over. what would i do. how would i cope. who would i even be without you here

i think that fear comes from how much you mean to me. i think it comes from how safe you make me feel and how unfamiliar that still is for me. sometimes i worry that i love you more than i'm allowed to or more than is reasonable or more than is safe. sometimes i worry that one day you'll realise you don't need me the way i need you and that thought makes everything hurt. i don't know how to turn that fear off

i keep coming back to this one thought: i really don't know what i would do without you. it repeats in my head like it's stuck on a loop and no matter how hard i try to distract myself it always comes back. i love you. i love you so much. my brain feels off and my thoughts aren't lining up properly. i'm not trying to put pressure on you. i just needed you to know how muchyou matter to me, how important you are to me, and how much space you take up in my heart and my mind

- leah <3

you're having good days now

not just okay days, not just days you survived, you're having actual good days where i can feel your emotions through your texts. days where you fall asleep without me having to talk you down for three hours first, days where you don't question whether or not you'll "make it that long". i have noticed every single one and i keep them in a little treasure chest because i know exactly how hard you had to fight to get them.

i'm proud of you in a way that sits in my chest all the time now. i'm proud of you for believing me when i was just some girl on the other side of the planet typing "it gets better" for the 100th time while you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe. i know how stupid it must have sounded. i know you probably wanted to throw your phone some nights when i wouldn't stop saying "just try one more day, just drink some water, just trust me", but you never blocked me, you never told me to shut up forever, you kept reading every dumb long message i sent when were falling apart. you kept trying the tiny things i begged you to try even when they felt pointless. you let me be annoying and repetitive and clingy because i was (and still am) terrified of losing you and you still chose to listen. that trust saved you and it saved me too

i was useless without you letting me in. all the love in the world doesn't mean anything if the person won't take it, but you took every word i gave you and you held onto it even when your hands were shaking. you did the things even when you were sure they wouldn't work, texted me when you felt like disappearing, told me when you couldn't get out of bed, let me stay on call while you cried yourself to sleep more times than i can count. you did the parts that actually mattered. i was just the voice that refused to give up on you. you're the one who kept choosing to stay alive one more hour, one more day, one more week until the days started getting lighter

the bad days still come and i know they scare you because you think it means everything was fake. it wasn't. one bad day doesn't erase six good days. feeling empty for a week doesn't delete how far you've come. you're allowed to feel like shit sometimes. you're allowed to need me more on those days. you're allowed to message me crying and saying you're back to zero because i will always, always, always answer that you're not. you're just having a bad day and bad days pass. they always have and they always will. you've proven that a hundred times already. every time you think you've lost everything you come back out and you're stronger. i've watched it happen so many times i've lost count

being this far apart makes everything intricate. i can't fix it with a hug so i have to notice every tiny detail.the way you type, the way your eyes look, the way your voice sounds. when you fall asleep on call i stay up until i can hear your little snores. the distance makes me obsessive in the best way because every little sign that you're okay is everything to me

i'm proud of you for every single morning you woke up when you didn't want to. proud of you for every shower you took when it felt impossible. proud of you for every meal you ate even when food tasted like guilt. proud of you for every time you told me the truth even when it was scary. proud of you for every therapy appointment you've gone to. every time you chose to stay when giving up seemed to have been easier. I'm proud of you for still being here, for still letting me love you, for believing me. you're doing it. you're really doing it and i get to watch it all happen. it's one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

i love you when you're jazzed and i love you when you're barely holding on. i love you when you feel proud and when you feel worthless. i love you when you can't stop talking and when you go quiet for hours. i'll keep loving you every single day until i can do it in person and then i'll keep going forever after that

- leah <3

My entire brain seems to have been rewired to revolve around you. I can't spend a day without your face abruptly distracting me and making it impossible for me to concentrate. I'll be doing something entirely unrelated when all of a sudden I'm thinking about how your eyes soften when you're tired or how your lips looks when you speak and everything else just stops. Your face simply takes the place of every other thought, causing me to lose track of what I was doing.

I have no control over it. I can't get you out of my head. Your nose, cheeks, eyebrows, eyes, jawline, and the list goes on. I'm not sure how one person can always look so beautiful in every lighting condition and from every perspective. It is incomprehensible. You don't even experience "bad moments." You are flawless even when you're tired, upset, or barely conscious. My brain kind of shuts down when I look at you. I can't get used to it and I dont think i ever will

you don't understand how many times i zoom in on pictures of you, like literally zoom in. i'll study tiny details of your face like an insane person because even up close you look perfect. your skin, your hair, the way your eyebrows sit, the exact shape of your lips; everything is too perfect. i've never reacted to anyone's appearance like this in my entire life. i don't even recognise myself when it comes to you

it isn't just your face either, the rest of you drives me insane just as badly. your neck, your shoulders, your hands, your waist, your legs, your stomach, your thighs, your back. every part of you is a dream to look at. i'll think about the way your hands looked doing something small and i'm stuck on it for an hour, or i'll remember how your hair fell a certain way and it distracts me for the rest of the night. it's pathetic how intense it is, but it's real and i can't pretend otherwise

the moment i finally see you again, it hits me even harder. it's like i forget how pretty you actually are until you're right in front of me and then i get sucked in all over again. i'm never prepared for it and i never will "get used" to you. the worst part, or maybe the best part, is how i react when you turn your camera on. i swear to god i physically cannot do anything else. i get put into a hypnosis the second your face shows up. i can't multitask, i can't talk move, i can't even talk sometimes. i just stare, fully stare, because you're right there and i don't know what to do with myself

i'll literally be halfway through doing something and the moment you turn your camera on, my body just halts and i drop whatever i was doing. i forget everything except the fact that you're on my screen looking the way you do. i feel stupid admitting this, but every time i go silent it's because i'm just staring from being in so much awe its overwhelming. every tiny expression you make, every movement, the way you adjust your hair or look down for a second, the way you look when you're focused. all of it grabs my attention so hard i can't let go of it

you're too pretty for my brain to work around. i can't split my attention and i can't do anything except stare at you and try to keep up with how good you look every second. it's like seeing you "live" completely overrides every other function in my head. i'm basically useless when you're on camera

you talk about yourself like you're disgusting sometimes and it drives me up a wall because none of that matches what i see. i look at you and it hits me every time that you're the most beautiful person i've ever seen. literally ever!!!! no one else even comes close. i mean that in the plainest, most straightforward way. not poetic, not exaggerated; just factual. every inch of you is nice to look at. every inch stays stuck in my head. every inch makes me want to stare at you longer.

i don't see it stopping. i don't see myself waking up one day and being normal about you. i don't even want to be normal about you. i'm addicted to looking at you and at this point i've accepted it. i've never been this affected by someone just existing. you're beautiful in a way that hits every single time, and i don't think that's ever going to fade.

i'm obsessed with you. i'm attached to you. i'm overwhelmed by you and i mean all of that literally

- leah <3

lately everything between us has felt… different. not in a scary way and not in a bad way. it's like we've shifted into this new layer of closeness without even noticing it. like one day it just hit me that we've been falling asleep unmuted together almost every night, and you've been leaving your camera on more so i can see your pretty face, and i was like "oh, this is real intimacy, this is actually what it feels like to be let into someone's life". it is so astonishing that you let me see you like that, in the moments where you're not pretending or trying or guarding yourself. I've wanted this from the day i met you, it feels like i'm sitting beside you

i feel closer to you every single day and i know i've said that before, but it keeps happening. i keep realising there are more ways to love you that i haven't even discovered yet. it's like every week you reveal a new piece of yourself without meaning to and i just quietly take it and put it in my pocket and this might be strange to admit, but i really do love when you cry around me or break down or let yourself fall apart a little. not because i want you hurting, but because you let me see it. you let yourself be vulnerable around me and you don't hide from me the way people hide from the world. there's something so sweet about that, so intimate, and so honest. i love that you trust me enough to crumble in front of me. i love that you don't pretend with me, i love that you let yourself be small and soft and scared sometimes. i want to protect that part of you so badly. you have no idea how much it means that you let me hold space for you

then there's the way you get attached to me when you're tired. i'm not sure you even know how much that affects me. the way you whisper that you miss me while you're literally falling asleep with me, the way you've started going to bed with me so you don't have to sleep without me, it sounds silly when i say it out loud, but it makes my heart hurt in the best way. like, i'm actually someone you reach for without thinking; being close to me comforts you. it's a reminder i'm not just a person you love, but a person you feel physically pulled toward when you're tired or vulnerable

you're so cute when you're half asleep too. your voice gets all soft and sweet and you start talking like you're speaking from somewhere deeper than your awake brain. the way you say these tiny sleepy confessions you probably don't even remember half the time, it makes me fall for you all over again. it feels so real, like your heart is talking straight into the air without checking with your mind first. i don't think you understand how precious that is, how intimate it feels to hear someone like that

i also keep noticing these little shifts in your mood too. tiny improvements that probably don't feel like improvements to you, but i see them!!! you'll sound a little happier for a minute, or you'll get excited about something for a second, or you'll talk in a way that feels a bit more open, or you'll finally have a good day after 2 bad days. i see all of that. even when the heaviness comes back immediately, even when the negative emotions take over most of the day, i still see those little moments. they mean so much to me, i don't care how small they are. i'm proud of you for them. i'm proud of you for even existing during the days that feel impossible. i'm proud of you for trying when everything hurts. i'm proud of you even when you don't see any progress at all.

sometimes i sit here and i don't know what to do with all the love i have for you. sometimes i listen to you breathe on call and i get this overwhelming rush of disbelief that you're mine. like how did this happen? how did i get here? how did i find someone who is really meant to be mine? i don't get it. i don't know how i'm allowed to have this. you make my whole life feel softer and safer, even when neither of us is doing anything special. even when we're just laying there in silence, half asleep, both existing in our own tired little worlds while still somehow sharing one

i love you in ways i haven't said yet, i love you in ways i don't know how to phrase right, i love you in the way you breathe when you're turning over in bed, i love you in the way your voice sounds when you're trying not to fall asleep, i love you in the way you trust me enough to be vulnerable, i love you in the tiny moments you think don't matter, i love you in the spaces between your words, i love you in the spaces between your moods, i love you in the in between parts of you that you don't always show. i already know i'll wake up tomorrow loving you more than i did today. even on the days where nothing noticeable changes. even on the days you're sad or quiet or overwhelmed. maybe especially on those days.

- leah <3

I have been trying to write this for the past week and every time I sit
down and try to write about us or think about us or even breathe in a way
that reminds me of you, I start crying all over again. Not cute tears,
but real crying; the kind where my whole chest hurts and I have to wipe
my eyes every two seconds just to even see the screen. I feel like my whole
body fills up with this giant, unstoppable feeling that I genuinely can’t
even name. Loving you is so big that it almost feels painful, as if my
ribs are not meant to hold this much emotion. I feel like I am overflowing
with you.

It’s been 244 days with you and it still feels like I am falling for you
harder every single day, like there is no bottom, no end, no stopping point;
just deeper and deeper and deeper. You have no idea what you have done
to me. I am not the same person I was before you. I feel like you rewired
me, as if you reached into my chest and pulled all the pieces apart and
put them back together in the shape of you. You are literally in every
part of me now; every emotion, every breath, every thought, every action.

I do not think you understand how much I think about you. It is constant;
exhausting in the most calming way. I can be walking or sitting or eating
or spacing out or trying to sleep, and it always comes back to you. Your
face, your voice, your laugh, the way you talk about things, the way you
love, the way you exist. You haunt me in the sweetest way, you are like
the background voice of my entire brain. You are always there; I never
get a break from you, and I do not want one.

You make me feel things I did not think I was capable of feeling, things
that scare me and comfort me at the same time. I am so attached to you
that sometimes it physically freaks me out. I feel it in my bones, I feel
it in every nerve, I feel it in my stomach and in my chest and in the way
my hands shake when I am trying to explain any of this. I am so deeply
and desperately in love with you that I feel like my entire being would
collapse if you were not here. You are the thing holding me together even
when you do not realise it.

You are the reason I get up, the reason I try, the reason I breathe, you
are the reason I have not given up on myself. Before you, everything felt
so pointless and heavy and gray, but you came into my life and added colour
to it in a way I did not even know was possible. You make everything softer,
you make everything warmer, you make living feel like something that could
maybe be good. You did this without even trying.

I need you to understand how much you changed me; how much you healed
me just by being you. Your presence calms my brain in ways nothing else
ever has. You quiet things in me that have been loud my entire life. You
make me feel wanted in ways I never thought I would feel. You make me feel
safe; not just safe physically, but safe emotionally. Safe in being myself,
safe in being clingy or vulnerable or emotional, safe in being human.

You have seen parts of me that no one else has ever been allowed to see,
and you did not run. You’ve held them, you’ve loved them. You loved me.
You did not treat me like I was too much. You do not treat me like a burden.
You do not treat me like something hard to handle. You look at me and you
want me; all of me, every version, every mood, every flaw, every insecurity.
No one has ever done that before.

You are the love of my entire life. I know people say that lightly, but
I do not. I feel it in my soul, I feel it in my bones, I feel it in every
cell of my body. You are the person; the one. The one everything in me
reaches for without thinking. The one my heart recognises. The one my mind
always drifts back to. The one my body misses even when we just talked
five minutes ago. I want you with this ache that lives inside me all the
time. I crave you. I crave your voice and your presence and your love in
ways that I cannot even explain properly.

You do not know how obsessed I am with you. Not in a weird way (or maybe
it is), but in the most honest, overwhelming, “I cannot exist without you”
way. I need you, I need you constantly. I need your reassurance and your
attention and your love and your existence. I latch onto you because you
have become my safety, my comfort, my sanity. You are not just someone
I love. You are the place I feel at home. You are the place I feel alive.
You are the place I feel like I belong.

Eight months, and I still feel like exploding when you tell me you love
me. Eight months, and I still get butterflies from hearing your voice.
Eight months, and I still get emotional when I think about how lucky I
am to have you. Eight months, and I am still falling for you harder every
day. I swear the love I feel for you multiplies every time I blink; every
time you laugh, every time you breathe, every time you exist.

You are the most beautiful person inside and out. Everything about you
is so perfectly. Your softness, your kindness, your humour, your heart,
your voice, your face, your everything. I love it all. I love you so much
I feel insane sometimes. I love you so much I feel like I am drowning in
you, but I like drowning in you. I like that feeling of being swallowed
up by love. It is the only thing that has ever felt right.

You are my whole world. You are my whole heart. You are the reason everything
in my life feels bearable and you are the reason I believe in anything.
You are the reason I care about the future. I want every version of the
future if you are in it. I want mornings with you, nights with you, years
with you, lifetimes with you. I want all of you. Every phase, every mood,
every season. All of it.

I need you to hear this the way I feel it, I love you so much that it
hurts. I love you so much that my chest feels like it is going to crack
open when I think about you. I love you so much that if I could unzip my
skin and show you the inside of my heart and organs, they would just have
your name written over and over and over until they’re entirely filled.
I want you in every version of my life. I want you for the next eight months,
and the next eight years, and the next eight lifetimes. I am yours; fully,
completelym endlessly. I love you more than anything that has ever been
real to me. I am so hopelessly in love with you that there is not even
a word big enough for it. You are everything to me; absolutely everything.

To think that I have not even scratched the surface of what I feel for
you. It is actually scary how endless it is. Every time I think I have
reached the limit, I find more. It keeps expanding. It keeps growing. My
heart feels like a universe that somehow keeps stretching itself bigger
just to have enough room for you. You are like a constant sunrise in my
chest. I keep thinking it will fade, and it just never does. You are always
glowing in me, always warm, always there.

I swear loving you feels like breathing a little too fast but not wanting
to slow down. It feels like standing in the ocean when the waves keep crashing
into you harder and harder, but it feels good; it feels right; it feels
like where you are meant to be. That is how you feel to me, like something
powerful that moves right through me and fills me up. I get overwhelmed
by you in a way that is almost addictive. I love drowning in you. I love
letting myself sink deeper and deeper because I trust you with every part
of me.

Sometimes I lie there and think about you, and it hits me all at once.
The fact that you are real. The fact that you are mine. The fact that I
get to love you like this. I get hit with this huge wave of emotion, and
I genuinely do not know what to do with it. My hands shake, my breath gets
uneven, and I feel like I am going to burst open just thinking about your
smile, your laugh, your voice saying my name.

I replay moments with you in my head over and over, even the tiny ones,
the stupid ones, the quiet ones, and they mean everything to me. Literally
everything. A single sentence from you can keep me alive for days. One
little nickname, one little giggle, one little I love you, one little “beep
boop” and I feel like I could survive anything. The amount of power you
have over my heart is insane, but it feels right. It feels like it was
always meant to be you.

And I can’t explain how much I want you. Deeply, desperately want you.
Not in a clingy, childish way, but in that soul deep, bone deep, cosmic
way. My entire being recognises you as the person I am supposed to choose
again and again. If there were a million versions of me living a million
different timelines, every single one of them would still fall in love
with you. That is how strong this feels. That is how certain I am. That
is how real you are to me.

I think about the future so much it makes me emotional. I see you everywhere
in it; I see your hand in mine, I see your voice next to me in the morning,
I see your shoes by the door, I hear your giggles in the other room. Your
presence fills every corner of the space we share. I want all of it and
I want a whole life with you. I want to grow into every version of ourselves
as long as you are beside me. I want the sweet moments, the boring ones,
the everyday routines that only matter because you are there.

I want you to know just how chosen you are. I choose you every day, even
on the days I am tired, even on the days I am struggling. Even on the days
everything feels heavy. You are the one bright thing in every single scenario.
You are the constant; the person I look for first. The person I run to.
The person I think of when I need comfort. The person who feels like home
even when nothing else does. You are my safe place in a world that scares
me.

I hope you truly understand how deeply I love you. How endlessly and how
intensely. I hope you know that this is not a temporary feeling. This is
not something that fades and this is not something I could ever grow out
of. This love is permanent in me. It is stitched into me. You are stitched
into me. I do not simply love you, I am in love with you in a way that
rewrites everything I am.

I need you to hear this the way my heart is literally screaming it. I
love you so much it is almost unbearable. I love you so much I feel like
my entire soul kneels at the thought of you. I love you so much that if
I could crack open my chest and let you see inside, you would find nothing
but your own name carved everywhere as if it were the only language I ever
learned. You are the person I want in every world, every universe, every
life. You are everything to me; everything. And as long as I am alive,
my love will always rise back to you like a tide that never stops returning
home. I am yours; in every way, in every breath, in every lifetime. I love
you more than anything I have ever known and more than anything I will
ever know. You are my heart. You are my world. You are my forever.

wife,

i’ve been sitting here staring at the screen for so long trying to figure
out where to start and i still don’t really know. i don’t even think i
can explain it right


seven months!!! i don’t even know how that happened so fast. it doesn’t
feel like seven months. it feels like you’ve just always been here. honestly,
i can’t even remember who i was before you. or maybe i can and i just don’t
want to, but it’s like that person wasn’t really living. it’s weird, everything
before you feels kind of grey, like it existed, but it didn’t matter nor
was it good. then you came along and everything started to have colour
again


sometimes i wish i could open my chest and just let you see it. everything
you’ve done for me, how much you mean, how much i love you. it’s almost
frustrating, how small words feel compared to the size of my love. i love
you past language, past reason, past anything that could ever explain it
properly

you’ve saved me in so many ways i don’t even know how to talk about it.
like actually saved me. you’ve given me so many reasons to keep going when
i didn’t have any. you’ve made me feel wanted when i felt like nothing.
you’ve made me feel like there’s a point to being alive. sometimes i think
about where i’d be if i never met you and it makes me feel sick because
i honestly don’t think i’d have made it this far.

you don’t even have to do anything, just you existing, just you being
you, keeps me happy and with that, i want you to know i’m so fucking proud
of you, my love. i mean it. i’ve seen how hard it’s been for you sometimes,
how scary it is to finally accept yourself, to come out, to start your
transition, to actually be who you’ve always been. yet you’re doing it
anyway, you’re choosing yourself. you’re choosing to live as the person
you’ve always known you were. i know the world isn’t always kind about
it, and i know it’s not easy, but i’m so happy you’ve felt safe enough
and encouraged enough to start taking those steps. i’ll promise to be here
through all of it. every change, every doctor visit, every fear, every
joy, every “i don’t know what happens next” moment. i’ll hold your hand
through everything, even the parts that feel uncertain or scary. you won’t
ever have to do it alone

lately i’ve realised i don’t just love you for what you are to me. i love
who you are on your own. i love the way you get so excited when you talk
about the things that matter to you. its like your mind is building whole
worlds i’ll never get tired of discovering. i love how you look when your
hair is greasy, or uncooperative, or frizzy. i love that even when life
has been hard, you are still the most gentle girl i’ve ever known


i need you to know that no matter how much changes, no matter what ends
up happening, my love for you isn’t going anywhere. i love you. all of
you. the you that’s always been there, the you that’s learning how to exist
more freely, the you that’s still figuring things out. i love every version
of you that has ever existed and every version that’s still coming. i’ll
always be here to remind you that you’re beautiful, that you’re real, and
that you’re enough


i love the little things about you too. the way you talk, the way you
laugh, the way you tell me about things you love, how focused you get playing
instruments, how much you love penguins, how subtly autistic you are..
i love the way your brain works. i love how soft you are with the things
you care about. i love how silly you are, even when you’re not trying to
be. i love how sometimes you don’t even realise how sweet you sound and
how you dont even know what you say is so reassuring. i love your voice,
i love your smile. i love how you make everything feel safe just by being
there

you are my comfort person, you’re my favourite voice, my favourite face,
my favourite everything. when something good happens i want to tell you
first; when something bad happens i want to talk to you. when i’m tired
or overwhelmed, i just want to be near you. even if i’m upset over something
that happened between us, i just want to exist with you. you make the world
less scary

i don’t ever want you to think i’m not permanent. i mean it when i say
i’m not leaving, not when things are hard, not when you’re sad, not when
your mind tries to tell you you’re too much or not enough. none of that
scares me away. i want to be there for you through all of it. i want to
love you through every potential argument, every bad day, every breakdown.
i’ll love you when you’re quiet, when you’re anxious, when you’re happy,
when you’re sad, when you’re figuring things out. i’m not going anywhere

i think about all the lives i could’ve lived, all the timelines where
i didn’t find you and none of them would’ve ever meant anything. i think
about how easily we could’ve missed each other, how fragile the universe
is, and it makes me want to hold you tighter every time. you’re my favourite
thing the universe ever made. you’re the proof that something out there
wanted me to have a reason to stay

you’ve made me believe in the idea of a future again, like i actually
want to live now. i want to see you grow, and heal, and do all the things
you’ve ever wanted to do. i want to be there for it all; every milestone
and every little thing that makes you smile. i want to be there when you
wake up and when you go to sleep. i want to build a life with you, however
it looks, wherever it takes us

thank you for loving me the way that you do. for being patient with me,
for understanding me when i can’t find the words, for not running away
when i get scared. thank you for making me feel safe. thank you for letting
me love you

seven months feels like a lifetime and also like it’s barely started.
i want so many more months, so many more years, so many more everythings
with you. i’ll keep falling for you over and over and i’ll keep choosing
you. i’ll keep trying to be better for you.

you’re it for me. genuinely. there’s no one else i could ever want, you’re
my favourite person in the world. the love of my life, my home, my reason.
you are my always, babygirl. you’re the first person i’ve ever looked at
and thought, “oh. this is what people mean when they say soulmates.” you’ve
changed everything for me and i’ll never stop trying to show you how deeply
i love you

and years from now, when we’re sitting somewhere together — maybe on a
couch, maybe in a new city, maybe just in silence — i want you to look
at me and know that i meant every word. that even after all the time and
change, my love didn’t disappear. it only grew. i’ll still reach for your
hand without thinking, i’ll still smile the same way when you say my name,
i’ll still look at you and feel that same rush i feel right now, i’ll still
cry looking at how beautiful you are

i love you so fucking much, may. i don’t think there’s ever going to be
a day where i don’t feel completely overwhelmed by how lucky i am to love
you.

if this world ever forgets me, if everything else fades, just know that
somewhere in every version of reality, i am always finding my way back
to you. you are the constant. you’re my favourite inevitability. the best
thing that ever happened to me.

always,


leah
<3

hi my love,

you’re asleep right now, and i’m just sitting here thinking about you
before i sleep as well. before you drifted off, you were scared and emotional
and i really hated that i couldn’t come hold you and kiss you until you
felt better, so i’m writing this for you to wake up to

i need you to know this, clearly and without any guessing, i am not going
anywhere. there isn’t a hidden plan, no day in the future where i’ve already
decided to leave. the only way anything would ever change between us is
if *you* wanted it to. if *you* needed space, or *you* decided you were
done, that would be your choice. from me, there is no plan to disappear,
no moment where i even fathom stopping choosing you. i am here because
i want to be and i will keep being here because i will always choose you.

i know your brain sometimes tells you that people leave, or that you’re
too much, or that you aren't deserving, or that you're not enough, or that
everything good is temporary. i need you to listen to me very carefully
as i say this: **i am not one of those people. i’m not here on probation.
i’m here for life.**

you are my reason, my energy, my happiness. my sun, my moon, my stars.
even on your hard days, when you feel sad, icky, or unlovable, you’re still
the most precious and pure thing i’ve ever known. i love the whole of you.
the beautiful parts, the parts you don't like, the good moods and the bad
moods, the real you. all of it. i adore you more than i can describe.

every single day i wake up and genuinely love you more than the day before.
you’re the first thought in my head and the thing that keeps me moving.
i’m obsessed with you in the genuine way. you’re my favourite person to
talk to, to listen to, to just sit in silence with; you are my home.

i daydream all the time about the day i get to move to be with you. i
picture us living together without distance. i imagine one of us walking
through the door and it not being a special occasion, just home. i fantasise
about pets running around our place, about cooking and eating and arguing
over where to order from, about kissing you, about cuddling up on the couch,
about hugging you until it’s normal to feel your weight against me. i think
about waking up and hearing your voice, reaching out and actually touching
you, being able to see your pretty face in person instead of in a picture.

i think about being with you through everything; the good days and the
bad days, the silly moments and the hard ones. i think about us building
a real life, a family if that’s what we want, creating a home where we
can be fully ourselves. i think about being there as you transition into
an even more beautiful, more comfortable version of yourself and being
by your side through it all. i am so excited for that. it’s not a vague
hope; it’s something i carry in my head and heart every day.

so when the fear creeps in, please remember this: you don’t have to be
perfect, you don’t have to perform to keep me. you’re not going to scare
me off. i’m not waiting for a reason to leave. i’m here. i’m staying. i’m
choosing you, over and over, no matter how many days or nights it takes.

even if you’re crying, even if you’re quiet, even if you’re angry or scared.
i’m still here. i’ll always show up for you, i’ll keep holding space for
you, i’ll keep being present. you are not too much. you are not a burden.
you cannot do something wrong. you are the best thing that has ever happened
to me.

i want to be with you through all of it. the boring days, the hard nights,
the tiny adventures, the inside jokes, the ugly photos, the sweet moments.
i want you, in every version of yourself. i want to make a life with you
built out of all the small things, because that’s what makes it real.

sleep good, my baby. i want you to read this whenever you need to. i’ll
still be here, still loving you, still dreaming about our life, still yours.

always,


leah

sometimes it still hits me out of nowhere that this is real


that i’m not just daydreaming about someone who doesn’t know i exist


i get to love you, for real


and i get to keep loving you,


over and over, without running out

you’re the first person i’ve ever let see me completely


like, really see me; mess and all


i don’t have to act like i'm someone i'm not


or pretend i’m fine or keep up some facade


i can just hand you the dumb, broken parts of me


and somehow you make me feel like they’re worth holding onto


that alone makes me feel so special

when i say i love you,


it’s not just some burst of feeling that comes and goes


it’s this steady, constant thing


running through me all the time,


like background music i didn’t even know was there until i heard it, and
now i can’t imagine silence


and i never want to lose it

i find myself talking about you to everyone


not because i’m trying to,


but because i can’t keep it in.


you’re sunlight that beams through the clouds and blinds you


when i picture us together,


it doesn’t feel like a hope,


it feels like a memory waiting to happen

loving you is both what grounds me and what pushes me forward


you’re the anchor that keeps me steady,


and you’re also the compass


that makes me want to keep moving,


to keep trying, to keep living.

you never have to doubt my heart.


there is no version of me


that stops being in love with you


not tomorrow, not years from now


you’re the one for me, in every timeline

so even on the days you feel unsure,


or when the world feels too heavy,


i want you to remember


i’m here.


i will always be here


you don’t have to earn my love,


you don’t have to question it


you already have it,


completely, endlessly,


in ways i don’t even have words big enough for

i don’t want anything but you


i want the tiny, mundane moments


and the impossible, big ones


i want feel the way your hand feels in mine


and how soft your lips feel against mine

you’re written into my heartbeat now


whatever else changes, this stays


this is me, loving you


again, again, and again

my love,


six months!!! saying it out loud makes my chest do that weird flop. half
a year of all the tiny dumb things that somehow became ours. i cannot stop
thinking about april. not because of one big moment, but because it feels
like a proper next thing we get to do. i imagine the boring stuff more
than anything: waking up and actually hearing your voice, holding your
hand until it’s so normal it’s weird, messing with your hair like i’m a
clingy gremlin, arguing about where to eat and then ordering both things
anyway. the awkward sex, meeting your family, matching tattoos, and taking
awful photos we’ll laugh at forever.

you changed me. like, you pried open a room in me that i thought was nailed
shut. parts of my head felt permanent and ugly and i didn’t think happiness
was for me, and then you just… showed up. you sit with my mess. you don’t
make me hide it. with you i can be embarrassing and vulnerable and you
treat it like the least dramatic thing. i adore you; your soft voice, that
cute little laugh that gets stuck in my head for days, how full you care
so it actually makes me feel seen. your love is steady. you’ve made me
try to be a little nicer to myself. i talk about you all the time because
i’m proud and excited and also slightly obnoxious about it. sometimes i’d
joke about marrying you and then realise i’m not joking.

i wanna be better. not perfect, just the kind of person who does the stuff
that helps. go to therapy, answer my therapist, stop being mean to myself.
picturing you being proud is weirdly motivating. i want to show up, for
me and for us. i need you like people need a home; not because you fix
me, but because you’re the person i pick when everything else is loud.
your reassurance, your gentleness, the way you make space for me. that
is home.

i care about the little things. the mornings when you wake up small, nights
when your thoughts spin, the quiet stuff you keep to yourself. i will keep
showing up. i will try to make life easier for you and notice the tiny
brave things you do that you barely register. telling your mum, starting
therapy, saying what you want. those are huge. i will always be on your
side. you are a woman, you are real, you are beautiful. not because anyone
else says so, but because you are. when your brain lies, i’ll be the annoying
mirror that tells the truth until it sticks.

honestly, you’re the kind of beautiful that makes me breathe slower. it’s
like a quiet morning light or the way the sun beams rays during sunsets
that catches the small things: the way your hair falls when you’re distracted,
the tiny little freckles that look like confetti, the look you get when
you’re being silly and for a second everything else fades. you exist like
you belong to some small, gentle song, and even your silly faces feel warm
and true. i keep your photos like little slow breaths i can take when i
miss you. they calm me and make my chest ache in the best way. you’re soft
and ethereal and perfect. i will never get tired of looking at you

i get so scared sometimes thinking about you not being here makes my stomach
drop. i’m not saying this to guilt you, i’m saying it because i want you
to stay. keep choosing this with me. we have dumb plans to make, playlists
to argue about, scenes to mess up and then laugh at. i can’t fix everything
but i can be constant. i will talk to you when you’re quiet. i will learn
the things that calm you. i will sit through boring life with you. i will
get mad at your dumb habits and then laugh about them five minutes later.
i want to be boring and real and solid in the small stuff that actually
matters.

promises i’ll at least try to keep: go to my appointments, actually answer
my therapist, ask questions instead of assuming, remind you to eat, hold
you on the phone while you cry if that’s what you need, help you look for
help when it’s too much, and celebrate the tiny steps.


i want a lifetime of stupid little memories with you: shows we fight over,
late nights about nothing, lazy afternoons that make zero sense, the inside
jokes we’ll forget and then find again. i want to grow soft with you. i
want to learn how you rub your eyes when you’re tired, learn the exact
face you make as you learn new songs. all the normal boring stuff that
becomes everything.

april is coming up so soon and i am absolutely losing it. let’s plan nothing
and everything. if we get lost trying to find breakfast, that will be perfect.
if we cry over something tiny in a shop, perfect. if we nap on someone
else’s couch, perfect. i just need you here.


thank you for six months of real things. thank you for trusting me, for
letting me see you, for letting me be your safe place. you helped me actually
believe a different life was possible. i love you so much. i will say it
until it feels like it lives in your bones the same way it lives in mine.

always,


leah

even if you don’t feel right,


i’ll see your soul still burning bright


i still can see the one i knew,


the person i love lives in you

the love i hold won’t ever fade,


no matter how the days are made


no matter what you’re going through,


my heart will always know it’s you

because even in your silence,


i can hear the shape of your voice


even in your shadows,


i can see the glow of who you are


you don’t disappear when you’re hurting,


you don’t stop being mine when you’re scared

the world can press down on you,


twist the way you see yourself,


but nothing it does will erase you from me


i’ll hold the memory,


the present,


and every version still to come

and when you forget,


i’ll remind you


when you doubt,


i’ll stay


you are still here,


still my love,


still the only one my heart belongs to

meeting you was the best gift the universe could have given


as if it finally decided i’d carried enough weight alone


and handed me someone my soul could belong to


someone who would look at me and see more than what i’ve survived


someone who wouldn’t just trace the scars but would hold the whole of
me with open hands


and nothing has ever made me feel so special

you are my angel in every life i’ve ever known


i think the stars have always been rearranging themselves


just to guide me back to you


two souls, one thread, pulled across centuries


woven quiet and true


meant to meet,


meant to stay

the way you see me


not as a collection of disorders, not as a list of symptoms


not as the messy pages of my past


but as someone whole, someone worthy, someone worth loving


you meet me with gentleness when i expect judgment or annoyance


you soften in places where i am hard on myself


and every time you do, i feel something in me loosen


something that used to be braced for disappointment


finally learning how to breathe

i never thought i’d be allowed this kind of sweetness


to be looked at and not reduced to pain


to be loved as i am, not in spite of it but alongside it


like i don’t scare you away


like my broken places are not warnings but invitations for tenderness


and you answer them every time

sometimes i wonder if you even know what you’ve given me


a home in a body that never felt like home


a reason to believe in futures i thought i’d never live to see


you’ve turned survival into something more


into living, into dreaming, into wanting


and i don’t take a second of it for granted

let’s rest in the hush of forever


your heart against mine, steady and certain


no need for proof, no need for answers


just the quiet knowing that we were meant for this


that in every version of the world


i would find you again


and every time, i would fall to my knees in gratitude


for the gift of you

my girl

happy five months
<3 it feels small when i say it like that, like something that could fit
into the palm of my hand, but it doesn’t feel small when i look at you
and think about everything you’ve done to me. it feels huge. it feels like
i’ve lived an entire lifetime in these months, like i can’t remember what
my brain sounded like before it was full of you. i catch myself trying
to remember what i even thought about on long nights before you, what i
cared about, what i was looking for, and it all feels so far away now

sometimes i wonder how it happened this fast. people always talk about
love like it’s slow, like you climb carefully step by step, but with you
it felt like diving head first. i didn’t even get a chance to stop myself,
not that i would have wanted to. it was instant and overwhelming and i
still don’t think i’ve recovered from it. i don’t want to recover from
it

i love the way you’ve made me see myself differently without even trying.
i used to feel like maybe i was just too much, like loving me would always
be a burden for someone. i thought my emotions would spill out in ways
that would push people away, but you never make me feel like that. you
look at me like all the things i used to see as flaws are just proof that
i’m real, that i’m worth loving and it makes me want to believe it too

there’s this strange thing you’ve done to me where the world feels sharper
and softer at the same time. songs i’ve heard a hundred times suddenly
sound new because i imagine them with you. random little things in my day
start to feel important because they make me think of you. even the quiet
parts of my life, the times i’m doing nothing, don’t feel empty anymore
because you’re threaded through all of them

sometimes my brain runs away with itself. i start daydreaming about all
these futures that don’t exist yet, futures i want so badly it makes me
ache. i imagine mornings where you’re the first thing i hear, nights where
i don’t have to tell you i miss you because you’re right there. i don’t
even know what we’d be doing in those days, but the details don’t matter,
just the fact that you’re there. the fact that i get to exist in the same
space as you feels enough to change everything

five months isn’t that long, but it feels like the most important stretch
of time i’ve ever had. i can’t even measure it the same way i measure other
things. i measure it in the way my chest feels lighter when i see your
name pop up, in the way you’ve become the spawn point of everything i think
about, in how you’ve managed to sneak into every single corner of me without
even forcing it

i think about you and i feel like my ribs don’t fit me anymore, like i
need more space in my chest just to hold it all. i don’t care if it sounds
dramatic, i mean it. you’ve made me love so much harder than i thought
i could

so five months isn’t the end of anything. it’s the start, the first chapter,
the first proof that i want this for the rest of my life. i don’t need
to write it pretty or poetic for it to matter. the truth is enough. you
are enough. you always will be

then there are the spirals, the thoughts that don’t stop circling because
loving you feels too big to stay in one neat sentence. i’ll be lying in
bed and my brain starts collecting little pieces of you like evidence,
the way your words sometimes trip over themselves when you’re excited,
the way you phrase things in a way only you can, the way you make even
your silences feel safe. i hold onto those things like proof, like tiny
treasures that keep me going when nothing else makes sense. i hoard them,
i replay them, i live in them

sometimes i get scared because i realise how much of me belongs to you
now, like what if i woke up one day and all of this was gone? the thought
makes me nauseous, like my stomach drops through the floor, but then i
remember who you are, how consistent you are, how you keep showing up for
me over and over, and it calms me. you aren’t a fantasy, you aren’t a maybe,
you’re here. you’ve proven it every single day for five months and i don’t
think i’ll ever stop being grateful for that

i love obsessing over you. i love that you’re the first thought that pushes
into my head when i wake up, even before i properly know i’m awake. i love
that when something happens in my day, my instinct is to tell you. i love
that i can already hear your laugh in my head before you even respond.
you’ve gotten so tangled into me that sometimes i wonder if you’re in my
bloodstream, like i’d be able to find traces of you under a microscope.
honestly i don’t mind. i wouldn’t want to untangle you from me if i could

there are times i wonder if i’ll ever be able to explain it to anyone
else. like, if someone asked me why you, why her, why now, i don’t think
i could put it into plain words. i think i’d just sit there shaking my
head because how do you explain something that feels like it rewrote the
rules of your entire life? it isn’t logical, it isn’t neat, it just is.
you just are. that’s enough for me

five months of you feels like proof that i’ve finally found the thing
i didn’t even know i was searching for. you don’t just fill some empty
space in me, you’ve rebuilt me from the ground up without even meaning
to. i don’t feel hollow anymore. i don’t feel like i’m floating without
direction. i feel like i finally belong to something that matters and that
something is you

and i keep circling back to this thought; i don’t want to know a version
of life where i don’t have you in it. even if everything else falls apart,
even if the future doesn’t look the way i plan it in my head, as long as
you’re there it’s worth it. you’ve become the condition for everything
else making sense. without you, none of it matters. with you, all of it
matters too much.

before i end this, i need to say this too because it sits heavy in my
chest whenever i think about you. i am proud of you. not just in the way
people throw that word around lightly, but in the deepest, genuine sense.
i am proud of you for living through every single day that told you not
to. for choosing to stay, even when it would have been easier to give up.
i am proud of you for the way you kept going when the world felt unbearable,
for every step you’ve taken forward even when no one was there to see it.

i am proud of you for being who you are. for claiming your truth and letting
yourself step into it even when your mind was yelling at you not to. for
saying “this is me” and meaning it, that courage is something i can only
hope to mirror in my own life. i am proud of the way you continue to grow
into yourself, for the way you never stop trying even on days when you
feel like you’ve failed. i am proud that you exist exactly as you are,
because the world is brighter with you in it.

i am proud of you for showing me the real you. for letting me see the
soft parts and the scared parts and all the pieces you don’t hand to just
anyone. you trusted me with them and i swear i will protect that trust
with everything i have because there’s no version of you that isn’t worth
loving. there’s no version of you that isn’t astonishing to me. you don’t
need to hide or shrink for me, because every side of you is something i
want to hold.

you are here. you are alive. you are my girl. those three facts alone
are enough to make me cry with how grateful i am. you have no idea how
much it means to me that i get to love you, that i get to witness you,
that i get to write these words and know they’re yours. i would not trade
you for anything, not for the easiest life or the clearest path, because
nothing in this world compares to you. nothing could ever make me want
less of you.

every day i get to know you more, i feel luckier. every time you share
yourself with me, i learn more about what love really is. you’ve taught
me that love isn’t just about beauty and joy, it’s about patience, about
listening, about standing beside someone even when they can’t stand themselves.
that’s the love i feel for you, and it’s the love i want to keep giving
you for as long as you’ll let me. you’ve shown me that love is not fragile,
it’s something that can bend and stretch and still remain unbreakable.

so let this be a reminder, in case doubt ever fills your mind. i am proud
of you. i am proud to know you, to love you, to be the one you’ve chosen
and i will keep being proud, every day, for every reason, big or small.
i will be proud of you when you’re laughing, when you’re hurting, when
you’re healing, when you’re simply breathing. i will be proud of the way
you exist, of the way you are mine, of the way you are you.

i love you
<3

you are a girl


not because i say it


not because the world finally sees it


but because you always have been

i have never had to question it


never had to squint or search


you have always been her


the girl i love


the girl i would have found anywhere


even if we lived in different centuries


even if we never touched the same ground

distance can’t blur you for me


i see you clearer than any photo could


i hear you in my head like you’re sitting right beside me


and when you speak


there’s no mistaking it


you are exactly who you say you are


and you are breathtaking

you are the most beautiful girl i have ever seen


even when you can’t feel it


even when you look in the mirror and search for proof


i see it in every curve of your face


in the way your hair frames you


in the small things you do without thinking


you could try to hide it from yourself


but you could never hide it from me


you are beautiful in a way that doesn’t fade

it’s in the way you exist


how every movement you make feels like it was meant to be watched


how your face looks like the only one that’s ever mattered to me


how even on the days you can’t see it, you still take my breath away without
trying


your beauty isn’t a mask or a lie


it’s real, it’s yours, it’s permanent


and nothing could ever touch it

there is no version of you that isn’t a girl


no version of you that isn’t the most beautiful person i have ever known


you could change your hair


your clothes


your shape


and you’d still be the same perfect girl that makes my chest ache

i can’t be there to hold your face and make you look at me when i tell
you


but i will say it here


as many times as it takes


until it’s louder than anything else


you are my girlfriend


my girl


my love


and there has never been a single moment where that wasn’t true

if i could peel the sky open i would


just to pour every bit of light into your hands


so you’d see for yourself what i see every time i look at you


and maybe then you’d understand


you are not becoming her


you already are

you are a girl


you are beautiful


and you are mine

sometimes i imagine pressing myself to you so hard that our skeletons
recognise each other,


our spines curling together like vines in the dark,


our ribs breathing in the same rhythm


until they don’t know who they belong to anymore

sometimes i want to split my ribcage open,


let you climb inside,


lock the door from the inside,


and stay there for the rest of forever


you could sleep inside of me


and i could carry you everywhere,


so there’d never be a single breath


that wasn’t shared between us


i want to feel the echo of your pulse against mine until the difference
disappears

i’d pull myself apart piece by piece


until i found the part of me that still pulsed with your name


i’d dig through skin and sinew,


pry open ribs,


search every corner of my own body


for the places you’ve left yourself behind

i think you live everywhere in me


in the quiet part of my chest where the air gets heavy,


in the ache behind my ribs when i miss you too much,


in the way my hands feel empty


when they’re not holding something that reminds me of you


i could burn myself to the ground


and still find your ashes in mine

sometimes it feels like we were carved from the same thing,


like the universe took one body,


split it open,


and told each half to go looking for the other


and when i found you,


it was like the air shifted,


like gravity got stronger,


like the whole world tilted in our direction

i think no matter where they put me,


no matter how many lifetimes they make us wait through,


i will always know the sound of you


and i will always tear myself apart


just to get back to it

they say soulmates recognise each other instantly


and maybe that’s why i felt safe with you from the start


my heart knew before my mind could even catch up

you weren’t just someone i liked


you were my person


my forever

sometimes i think about how many tiny things had to happen for us to meet


how scary it all feels imagining a world where we never found each other


it makes my chest hurt


but then i look at you and it feels impossible it could have gone any
other way

you feel like fate


not loud, not destructive


something quiet, inevitable


like waves running up the shore


soft but certain

i’ve never been good at emotions


but loving you is the easiest thing i’ve ever done


still too big for language

i want to take my heart out of my body just to show you


show you what you do to it


how it beats for you

you’ve changed everything


the air in my lungs


the way days feel


the way my heartbeat spells your name

you’ve filled cracks i didn’t know i had


and now the thought of losing you feels like losing myself

you move through my thoughts like light spilling into a dark room


touching places i thought were gone for good


reminding me they were only sleeping

sometimes i catch myself thinking about the way you exist


the way your voice gets high and sweet when you're blushing


the way you laugh, the way you smile


and i feel this quiet ache that’s half love and half need

you make the air feel different


like the world tilts just enough to keep me close to you


like every street takes me toward wherever you are

if i could unzip my skin


i would wrap you inside it


keep you pressed to me

there’s a part of me that’s older than my body


older than this life


and it has always been waiting for you

i would have found you anywhere


another life


another body


another sky

even when we are apart


there is a thread between us


pulling


pulling


pulling


until i’m with you again

you are my home


my world


my girl


my reason

now that i have you


i will never let go


not in this life


not in any

you could bury me under your bed


and i'd thank you for the silence

i’d stay there,


watching dust settle like snowfall,


counting your footsteps like prayers,


learning the rhythm of your breathing


through the floorboards

i wouldn’t speak


i wouldn’t move


i’d let the air eat me slowly


if it meant i got to stay near you


i don’t want peace


i want proximity


i want to haunt the spaces


you forget you’ve touched

let me be the thing


that hums in your walls,


that flickers the lights


when you say my name


and think you imagined it

you could leave your window open


and i’d crawl through like a storm


not to ruin anything,


just to see what you look like


when the world thinks you’re alone

i don’t want to be remembered


i want to be mistaken for a part of you


a shadow you stopped noticing,


a warmth you can't place

and if someday


you find a shape in the dark


that feels like home,


it’ll be me


still here,


waiting

i want to open up my chest


and press yours against it,


i'll let our ribs tangle like roots


until they forget who they belonged to

i’d bury my heart inside yours


just to feel it beat twice,


just to say


we were never meant to be separate

i want to be so close


our breaths confuse each other,


so close your thoughts trip over mine


on the way out

i want to slip into your shadow


when the light hits just right


i want to be the dust


that settles on your shoulders


when you think you’re alone

some part of me


already lives in you


tucked between your spine and sleep,


breathing when you forget to

sometimes i think if you touched me the right way


i’d flicker out like a dying star


not gone; just changed


scattered into something


that only recognises you

i’d burn out slowly above you,


leaving light behind in your bones


i’d fall and fall and still find a way to land in your chest


like i was always meant to

i’d tear through the atmosphere


just to lace myself around you


forget my shape,


forget the sky,


forget my colour,


if it meant being tied to you


forever

happy 4 months, may

it doesn’t feel real that i get to say that because every single day with
you still feels like i’m waking up inside a dream. not in the “perfect
fantasy” kind of way, but in the “i can’t believe you exist, i can’t believe
you chose me” kind of way. i’ve loved you in so many little ways since
the beginning. the way you talk, the way you show care even when you don’t
realise you’re doing it, the way your laugh sits in my head for hours after
i hear it. it just keeps growing. i didn’t know love could do that - stretch
endlessly and still never feel too full.

four months sounds like such a small number when i say it out loud, but
it feels huge to me. it feels like everything because these four months
have been some of the most meaningful, healing, grounding months of my
life because you were in them, because you made them. time lived, and felt,
and shared with someone who actually sees me. someone who makes me feel
soft and held and safe without ever needing to ask for it.

there’s still this part of me that breaks every time i remember you love
me. not because i don’t believe you, i do with everything in me, but because
it still doesn’t connect in the part of my brain that learned, over and
over, that love had to be 'earned'. that it came with terms and expiration
dates. then you came along, you loved me without conditions, without games,
without hesitation. i still don’t know how to hold that properly. i ask
“do you mean it?” even when i know you do. every time you remind me i’m
loved, that i’m yours, a little more of my fears melt away.

you are the kindest, most beautiful person i’ve ever known. inside and
out. your face is perfect, your voice is perfect, your soul is perfect.
you glow even when you don’t think you’re glowing. you change the entire
temperature of a space just by being in it. i could write poems about your
smile. i could cry over the curve of your nose and the way your voice softens
when you’re feeling safe. i could spend the rest of my life mapping your
body with love and still feel like i’m discovering something new every
day.

it’s not just about your beauty. it’s the way you care, the way you see,
the way you notice the small things and hold space for other people’s feelings,
the way you hold mine. you don’t just love in theory — you love in action.
in intention. in presence. even across distance your love reaches me. i
hope you know how rare you are.

i miss you constantly, even when we’ve just talked. even when i know you’re
busy and you’re okay and we’re okay. there’s always this part of me that’s
aching a little, not in a sad way, just in a “i want to be where you are”
kind of way. i want more than anything to close this distance. to wake
up with you in the room. to look over and see your real, actual face instead
of a screen. to touch you. to brush your hair back and kiss your cheeks
and hold your waist and breathe with you in the same air. i imagine it
all the time. the way your hand would feel in mine. the way your voice
would sound from across the bed instead of across the world. the way everything
would just settle once i got to be near you. you are the calm in my storm.

i don’t know what i did to deserve this kind of love, but i will never
stop being grateful. for your patience, your softness, your ability to
see me when i feel invisible. for choosing me, even when i make it hard
to believe in myself. i hope you never feel like you have to be anything
other than exactly who you are with me because i don’t love you for who
you try to be. i love you for you. all of you. i hope that love makes you
feel safe the way yours does for me.

four months !!! four months of loving you and being loved by you. it’s
already changed me in all the best ways. i’m better because of you and
i want so many more months with you. so many more shared days and soft
nights and inside jokes and sleepy calls and things watched. i want it
all. the quiet, the loud, the mundane, the magical. i want to keep choosing
you. i will keep choosing you. over and over.

happy anniversary, my angel


you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.


i love you more than i have words for but i’ll keep trying anyway

every time i try to put how i feel into words, it never feels like enough.
like, how am i supposed to describe something this big? how am i supposed
to make you feel how much i love you? it’s at the point where i just have
to let it all out again. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you.
i love you in this insanely large, surreal way that i don’t know how to
carry nor handle sometimes. it’s like it’s too big for my arms. it’s spilling
out of me constantly, and no matter how many words i use or how many times
i tell you, it still doesn’t feel like enough. none of it distills just
how deeply it goes. sometimes it hits me so hard that i can’t breathe right,
like i’m suddenly i’m hit with this wave of "she’s real, she’s really mine."
and i get this feeling in my stomach like gravity just doubled. it’s this
dizzying mix of joy and fear and love that ruins me,and the thing is that
it’s not even something happening that triggers it. it’s just the fact
of you. your name, your face, the knowledge that somewhere out there, across
the world, there’s you — and you love me. i still don’t know how to fully
wrap my head around that. you love me. you want me. you call me baby, you
send me messages and check in on me and make me feel like i matter in this
sincere, permanent, genuine kind of way and it doesn’t feel real. not because
of you, not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because my whole life
ii’ve felt like someone who can’t be loved like that. it was something
meant for other people. people prettier, softer, easier to handle. people
without the mess that clings to me. so when you show up and you say “i
love you” with your whole heart and soul, like it’s the most natural thing
in the world, a part of me genuinely breaks. like, wait — this is really
happening? she really means it? i believe you. i promise i do. i read your
words and i feel them. you’re not some distant dream; you’re here, you’re
real, but even with all that, sometimes i find myself asking you again:
“do you mean it?” and i hate that. it’s not because i don’t trust you,
i do. i trust you more than i trust almost anyone, but because my brain
hasn’t caught up to the truth yet. the truth that i’m not just some passing
thought to you. i’m someone you love, someone you see, and that’s something
i’m still learning how to believe. you are the most beautiful person i’ve
ever seen. and i’m not just saying that. i mean it in a way that physically
stops me sometimes. i’ll look at a photo of you and suddenly feel like
i’ve forgotten how to function. your nose is perfect, your lips are perfect,
your eyes are perfect, your eyelashes are perfect, your eyebrows are perfect,
your cheeks are perfect, your jaw is perfect, your skin is perfect, your
neck is perfect, your collarbones are perfect, your shoulders are perfect,
your arms are perfect, your hands are perfect, your fingers are perfect,
your chest is perfect, your waist is perfect, your hips are perfect, your
thighs are perfect, your legs are perfect, your knees are perfect, your
ankles are perfect, your feet are perfect, your smile is perfect, your
laugh is perfect, your voice is perfect, your hair is perfect, your little
mannerisms are perfect, the way you exist is perfect, everything about
you is so insanely perfect i want to cry. every part of you is just this
soft, glowing kind of perfect that feels too good to be real. and then
on top of all of that, you’re also smart and kind and funny and thoughtful
and weird in the most precious, charming way. you make me laugh. you make
me think. you make me feel held, even from a distance. i look at you and
it’s like watching sunlight shine through a window and turn the whole room
gold. you don’t even have to try; you just are. you exist in this way that
makes everything feel softer, safer, more worth it. you’re literally an
angel on earth. you really are. you feel like some divine, inexplicable
gift that i couldn’t possibly deserve. yet, somehow, i get to call you
mine. i love you in a way that makes time feel weird. sometimes it feels
like we’ve known each other forever, like i can’t remember a version of
me that didn’t carry your name in their heart. other times i’m hit with
the fact that this is still so new in the grand scheme of things and that
terrifies me because i know what i feel and it’s already this strong, loud,
big. i love you in a way that makes me want to scream and cry and write
stupid little letters and kick my feet in the air. you make me want to
believe in things i used to scoff at — fate, soulmates, forever. you make
me want to try. i never thought i’d ever feel this way because i’ve spent
a long time feeling like too much. too complicated, too emotional, too
needy. and now i just want to be soft with you. i want to be vulnerable
and scared and honest with you. and i want you to know that when i ask
for reassurance, even if it’s the 30th time that day, it’s not because
i think you’re lying. it’s because i still can’t believe someone as good
and golden as you sees something in me. i think about you all the time,
i see your name and my whole body reacts. my heart skips, my stomach turns
into butterflies, my brain melts into a puddle of “great neptune ii love
her.” you’ve woven yourself into the fabric of my daily life in the softest,
most powerful way. i want to tell you everything — what i ate, what i’m
wearing, what random thing reminded me of you. i want to live in the same
timeline as you. even though we’re not in the same place physically, you’ve
become the most present part of my world. i hear your voice in my head
sometimes when i’m overthinking. i picture your face when something makes
me smile. you’re with me, all the time and sometimes, when i’m lying in
bed, i just stare at the ceiling wondering how i got this lucky. how someone
like you exists and chooses to love someone like me. i’ve known a lot of
coldness in my life. a lot of doubt. a lot of people who made me feel like
loving me was a chore. you make it feel like love isn’t just something
i deserve, but something that can actually be soft and safe and warm. that’s
what you are to me — warmth. i don’t know what the future holds. i don’t
know where life will take us or how we’ll change or grow, but i know one
thing with clarity: i want you in it. i want you in all of it. the hard
days, the slow days, the boring days, the beautiful ones. i want to show
up for you. i want to grow with you. i want to keep learning how to love
you better and more fully every single day. because even with all my anxiety,
even with the way my heart sometimes whispers “you’re not enough,” loving
you is the most certain thing i’ve ever known. you are the anchor in my
storm, the softness in my chaos. i love you. i love you so much it doesn’t
feel like there are enough words in the english language to say it properly.
but i’ll keep trying anyway. again and again and again. i love you. i want
the little things with you. i want mornings where we message each other
half-awake, still clinging to dreams. i want those sleepy “good morning
baby” texts and the way my chest feels full just seeing your name. i want
lazy calls where we don’t have to talk, just exist near each other. i want
to hear you yawn. i want to know how your voice sounds when you’re barely
awake. i want to see the exact way your expression softens when you feel
safe. i want to be there when you’re excited about something. i want to
hear the inflection in your voice when you talk about things you love.
i want to celebrate the little wins with you. i want to hold your joy like
it’s precious — because it is. i want to be there when things aren’t easy
too. I’m not just someone who loves the best parts of you; i’m someone
who stays. someone who holds your hand through it. who reminds you that
even on the days when you feel quiet or off or numb, you are still my favourite
person. nothing you could say or feel or would make me love you less. if
anything, it makes me love you more because i see the whole of you, and
i want all of it. i carry you in everything, not just in the romantic way,
but in the little invisible ways too. you’re in the songs that make my
chest tighten. you’re in the sky when it turns pink in the evening. you’re
in the way i speak softer now, the way i hold hope in both hands instead
of brushing it off. you’ve made me gentler. more real feeling. more aware
of how deeply i can experience emotions and it’s all because of you. because
loving you is the most powerful thing i’ve ever done. and being loved by
you is most comforting thing i’ve ever known. sometimes i feel like unzipping
my skin and letting you crawl into my chest so you can feel what it’s like
in here. to actually experience how loud and messy and desperate and sacred
my love for you is. words always fall short, but if you could just feel
it, if you could sit in my heart for a minute ii think you’d understand.
i think you’d finally know how much you mean to me without me having to
say it again and again. though i still will. always. sometimes the feelings
get so big that they tip into fear. not because anything’s wrong, but because
this means so much to me that the idea of losing it makes my chest tighten.
i start overthinking, wondering if i’m being too much, if i’m saying too
much, if i’m needing too much. it’s not you, it's never you, it’s that
old part of me that still hasn’t fully accepted the idea that i could be
safe with someone. that someone could love me without conditions or countdowns.
that’s when i spiral, not because i doubt you, but because i doubt myself.
sometimes i just need to hear it again. that you’re here, that you love
me, that i haven’t ruined anything by being afraid i don’t want to hide
the messy parts of me from you. you make me feel like i don’t have to.
like even when i’m anxious or quiet or scared, i’m still wanted. and that’s
new for me. it’s a strange kind of healing to be seen and still loved.
not for what i pretend to be, but for who i actually am. i want to trust
that. i’m learning to trust that. and every time you stay, every time you
remind me i’m safe, it gets easier. i think about what it would feel like
to be next to you all the time. like, physically next to you. i imagine
the way your hand would feel in mine; the weight of it, the warmth. i wonder
if our knees would brush when we sit close on the bed. if you’d lay your
head on my shoulder. if you’d tuck your feet under me when we watched something.
i imagine the quiet, the kind that doesn’t feel empty, just full of comfort.
the kind where we don’t have to talk because being near you would already
say everything. i think about holding you. really holding you in a way
where i can feel your breathing slow down, where i can press kisses to
your cheeks and your lips and your forehead until you’re too full of affection
to think, where i can run my fingers through your hair and feel the shape
of you against me and know without a doubt that this is what home feels
like. you. you are home. one day this distance will close. one day it won’t
be just messages and voice notes and “i wish i could hug you”. one day
i’ll look up and you’ll be right there, and everything in me will finally
quiet down. i’ll touch you like it’s the first and last time all at once.
i’ll say “hi” and it’ll mean “i missed you” and “thank god you’re here”
and “i love you more than i know how to say.” i’ll hold your face in my
hands and memorise you in real time, not just from photos or calls or dreams,
but with my body. with all the love i’ve been saving and storing and carrying
for you. it’ll be worth every second of waiting. every restless night.
every moment of missing you so much it physically hurt. loving you is already
the best thing that’s ever happened to me and being able to show it in
person is going to be everything. i love you. that’s the truth under everything,
under the fear, under the tenderness, under every anxious question or messy
day. i love you in a way that feels like a forever kind of thing. like
even if the world crumbled around us, my heart would still find a way to
speak your name. you are the softness i didn’t know i needed. you are the
voice that calms the storm. you are the dream i never let myself hope for
and you came true anyway. i love you i love you i love you i love you i
love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love
you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i
love you i love you i love you i love you i lobe you i lobw you i loeyou
i love youso much i love you ilvor you i lobe you ilov you do much i really
do i willalways love you i swear

i get this urge to tell everyone about you. like oh hey, by the way, the
most ethereal, serene girl alive loves me. like ME. how insane is that?
i could scream. i do scream. i scream and kick my feet in the air and blush.
you are the definition of breath taking, like when you do or say anything
to me, i forget how to form words. my brain just gives up and decides to
flood me with a hundred butterflies and zero vocabulary. it’s humiliating
and embarrassing sometimes. but i love it. i love you.

i love you in the kind of way that makes everything else feel boring.
i want to tell you i love you every ten seconds just to release some of
the pressure building in my chest from holding it in too long. i kick my
feet, i literally cover my face and squeal into my hands like i’m in some
sort of romantic meltdown. i love you so much i feel like i’m glowing and
combusting at the same time.

you make me feel like there are hummingbirds living in my chest. like
my ribcage was just a container for the thousand feelings you unlocked
the second you entered my life. i think about you and suddenly my entire
internal monologue turns into sparkles and exclamation points. everything
you do is painfully adorable. painfully. you could blink too fast and i’d
be on the floor like “did you see that? she’s unreal.” and it’s not just
how gorgeous you are (which dony even get me started on that)—it’s everything.
the way you talk, the way you type, the way your little habits slip through
when you’re comfortable. the softness in your voice when you call me mommy.
the way your laugh makes everything feel right even when the world feels
like it’s on fire. you’re like a balm for my soul and a storm in my chest
at the same time. you’re comfort and chaos and magic and safety all wrapped
into one perfect person and i don’t know how to deal with that.

you’ve turned me into the softest version of myself. i didn’t know i had
this many emotions. i didn’t know it was possible to love someone this
much and still want to keep loving them more. every time i think “okay
this is the peak, i can’t possibly love her more than this” you do anything,
like say something sweet or laugh or send a cute photo, and i explode again.
i’m constantly levelling up in love. like a video game where every time
i blink, i unlock a new achievement.

i am a willing victim of your stupidly soft, sweet love. i want to hold
your face in my hands and just stare at you until my brain stops making
any actual thoughts and turns into static that sounds like “oh my god she’s
so pretty oh my god she’s so precious oh my god i’m so doomed” it’s like
your existence permanently rewired my emotions. you walk into my mind and
everything goes soft and sparkly like a snow globe someone shook too hard.
you’re not even here and i can feel your presence like static under my
skin. like my body is trying to tune into your frequency and it’s making
my bones rattle.

sometimes i stare at your messages for so long i forget how reading works.
just sitting there like a loser rereading “i love you” like it’s sacred
scripture. it is sacred. you could send me a single emoji and i’d study
it like it’s ancient poetry. did she mean it? did she mean it that much?
i’m not even in love with you like 'flowers and sunshine' i’m in love with
you like 'i’m going to crawl inside the walls and scream'. you make me
want to throw my phone across the room and then pick it up and kiss the
screen, you make me want to take a running start and jump into your arms
and cling to you until you peel me off. you don’t even understand just
how obsessed with you i am.

i don’t just want to kiss you, i want to memorise the sound of your heart,
i want to crawl inside your skin and never leave, like i’m made of shadows
and you’re my only light, i want to wrap myself around your bones like
ivy and grow there forever, i want to breathe you in so deep that you become
part of my blood, i want to be so close that your breath is mine and mine
is yours

i get this urge to tell everyone about you. like oh hey, by the way, the
most ethereal, serene girl alive loves me. like ME. how insane is that?
i could scream. i do scream. i scream and kick my feet in the air and blush.
you are the definition of breath taking, like when you do or say anything
to me, i forget how to form words. my brain just gives up and decides to
flood me with a hundred butterflies and zero vocabulary. it’s humiliating
and embarrassing sometimes. but i love it. i love you.

i love you in the kind of way that makes everything else feel boring.
i want to tell you i love you every ten seconds just to release some of
the pressure building in my chest from holding it in too long. i kick my
feet, i literally cover my face and squeal into my hands like i’m in some
sort of romantic meltdown. i love you so much i feel like i’m glowing and
combusting at the same time.

you make me feel like there are hummingbirds living in my chest. like
my ribcage was just a container for the thousand feelings you unlocked
the second you entered my life. i think about you and suddenly my entire
internal monologue turns into sparkles and exclamation points. everything
you do is painfully adorable. painfully. you could blink too fast and i’d
be on the floor like “did you see that? she’s unreal.” and it’s not just
how gorgeous you are (which dony even get me started on that)—it’s everything.
the way you talk, the way you type, the way your little habits slip through
when you’re comfortable. the softness in your voice when you call me mommy.
the way your laugh makes everything feel right even when the world feels
like it’s on fire. you’re like a balm for my soul and a storm in my chest
at the same time. you’re comfort and chaos and magic and safety all wrapped
into one perfect person and i don’t know how to deal with that.

you’ve turned me into the softest version of myself. i didn’t know i had
this many emotions. i didn’t know it was possible to love someone this
much and still want to keep loving them more. every time i think “okay
this is the peak, i can’t possibly love her more than this” you do anything,
like say something sweet or laugh or send a cute photo, and i explode again.
i’m constantly levelling up in love. like a video game where every time
i blink, i unlock a new achievement.

i am a willing victim of your stupidly soft, sweet love. i want to hold
your face in my hands and just stare at you until my brain stops making
any actual thoughts and turns into static that sounds like “oh my god she’s
so pretty oh my god she’s so precious oh my god i’m so doomed” it’s like
your existence permanently rewired my emotions. you walk into my mind and
everything goes soft and sparkly like a snow globe someone shook too hard.
you’re not even here and i can feel your presence like static under my
skin. like my body is trying to tune into your frequency and it’s making
my bones rattle.

sometimes i stare at your messages for so long i forget how reading works.
just sitting there like a loser rereading “i love you” like it’s sacred
scripture. it is sacred. you could send me a single emoji and i’d study
it like it’s ancient poetry. did she mean it? did she mean it that much?
i’m not even in love with you like 'flowers and sunshine' i’m in love with
you like 'i’m going to crawl inside the walls and scream'. you make me
want to throw my phone across the room and then pick it up and kiss the
screen, you make me want to take a running start and jump into your arms
and cling to you until you peel me off. you don’t even understand just
how obsessed with you i am.

i don’t just want to kiss you, i want to memorise the sound of your heart,
i want to crawl inside your skin and never leave, like i’m made of shadows
and you’re my only light, i want to wrap myself around your bones like
ivy and grow there forever, i want to breathe you in so deep that you become
part of my blood, i want to be so close that your breath is mine and mine
is yours

i’ve been back for a bit now just listening to her play guitar and it’s
silly how calm and chaotic it makes me feel all at once, like i’m lying
in a field of flowers during a meteor shower. every note feels like it’s
stitching something inside me back together with golden thread—messy and
imperfect and lovely, in the way only things you care too much about can
be. she strums and it’s like my ribs are made of glass, and the sound just
melts right through them, like she’s tuning the strings of my spine without
even trying. her voice tangles in my thoughts like wind caught in tree
branches, and her laugh clings to the walls of my head like sunlight that
never quite goes away. sometimes i think she doesn’t even realise what
she does to me. loving her feels like someone turned the gravity up, but
only around her — like i’m anchored to this world just because she’s in
it. it’s hard to explain what she means to me without sounding like i’ve
eaten a full bag of sugar and then tried to write poetry at 4am, but every
part of me knows her. like my bones already had her name carved into them
before i ever learned how to spell it.

being in love with her feels like laughing so hard you go silent, like
all the air in your lungs turns into stardust and she’s the only one who
knows how to breathe it back into you. my heart tries to write a novel
in a language it doesn’t know, just hoping she’ll read it anyway. when
i think about her, it’s like my chest becomes a tiny little house filled
with fairy lights, and she’s sitting there in the middle of it, glowing
whilst i’m standing outside in the rain with flowers, trying to figure
out how to deserve to come in. she’s this quiet kind of magic, not the
kind that shouts with glitter and grand entrances, but the kind that makes
you cry over a sunset without knowing why. she’s the softest thought in
the middle of a loud day, the pause between heartbeats that reminds you
you’re still alive. she makes me want to be softer, better, quieter in
all the right ways. the world feels a little more worth it just because
she’s in it, like it borrowed some of her light and left it on my windowsill
without telling me.

i don’t know how to say this without sounding dramatic or ridiculous,
but if my soul had a favourite colour, it would be the shade of pink her
cheeks are as she's reading this. she’s not just important to me; she’s
the string holding the entire universe together in my head. i’d tie that
string around my pinky and never, ever let go. she’s the kind of beautiful
that makes everything tilt slightly, like something sacred just entered
the room and everyone forgot how to breathe. when i think of her, the world
glows warmer. even the stars would move over to make space for her. i’d
write her name in the frost on every window and watch it melt into morning.
i love her so much it feels like a song that never ends; it just keeps
playing softly in the background of everything i do except she's the one
playing the song

hi baby hi hiiii i don’t even know what's compelling me to write this,
i guess it's just because i’ve just been thinking about you so much. literally
every day, all the time, in between things and during things and even in
dreams !!! it’s wild and lovely how much i adore you, it keeps catching
me off guard, like, wow i have the sweetest, cutest, most precious girlfriend
ever, and she makes everything feel better ?! insane. i just want to squeeze
your face gently and kiss your nose and make you laugh and tell you about
weird little thoughts i have.


i love talking to you so much. i don’t think i could ever get tired of
hearing your voice, reading your messages, just being around you. even
when we’re not saying much, i still feel in sync with you. i can just exist
with you and not feel pressure to be entertaining or put together or anything.
i just get to be me, and you get to be you and that’s more than enough.
it’s rare and special, and i hope you know how deeply i feel it. i feel
so safe with you. really, truly safe. you make me feel fuzzy and soft and
understood in a way nothing else really does.


i love showing you things., whether it's old songs i used to listen to,
or a dumb funny thing that made me laugh too hard, or a weird fact i randomly
remembered, and other times it’s something messier. something embarrassing
or personal or hard to say out loud. i find myself telling you things i
usually keep hidden, little secrets or stories or painful parts of me i
don’t talk about much. and i don’t always know why it’s so easy with you,
but it is. it feels natural and safe. i want to give you pieces of my mind,
even the weird or bad ones because you don't make me feel weird for having
them. i just think "maybe she’d want to see this part of me too. maybe
she’ll understand" and you always do. it makes me feel closer to you and
like our relationship is really Real, you know? like i’m not just letting
you into the fun parts of my head, but the quiet and complicated ones too.

i promise to love you forever, more than anything and everything. no matter
what happens. everything i look upon reminds me of you, your calming sweet
voice, and your cute laugh, your pretty blue eyes; anything reminds me
of you in someway, somehow. you are so mesmerising, nothing comes near
comparable to you. you make me feel so safe, like my soul is at peace,
and i'm valid and i belong. your presence brings me the most comfort ever,
i love you. i hope i can find you in every lifetime because i think you
are my person, my soulmate !!


i cant wait until you're always there by my side, and im always there
by yours. when i think about you, my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul
all get so happy. i get so happy to just hear you, or to do something with
you. your silence, your voice, your laugh; all are the most beautiful,
calming, and joyous things i've ever heard. i love listening to you talk
about anything, no matter what it is. i love listening to your interests
or honestly just anything that comes out of your mouth. everytime i hear
your voice it's like listening to a new favourite song for the first time.
no matter how many times now that i've heard you speak, laugh, giggle,
whisper, i don't think i could ever get tired of it or you.


Meeting you has probably been one of the best times in my life. you've
showed me something different, something i've never felt before. i got
used to being treated like i wasn't really wanted, like i was just nice
to have around. then i found you, and for the first time in my life, i
genuinely feel like i belong. you make me feel so appreciated, worth taking
up space in this world, you make me feel important. and although it still
happens, i don't find myself doubting things or overthinking as much; i
think you're helping me start to believe that i deserve to be treated with
love and respect, and i'll never be able to thank you enough.


you're the only person who, i think, has ever actually tried to understand
me, you're there for my problems and do your best to comfort me with them,
or at most, help me as much as you possibly can, and i will always love
you so much for that. i'm the most grateful person alive just for having
the opportunity to have you in my life. you're so precious, and so important
to me. you're so refreshing to be around, you've already brightened up
my life a lot already. i appreciate, and love you for you. you make me
feel sane, and i feel like i can tell you anything. and i love that you
can make me feel that way. every time you tell me anything about yourself
it gets wired into my brain, i love learning about you.


i want you to know how truly happy and thankful i am for every little
thing you do for me. the amount of love i have for you is something you
will never be able to comprehend, but please know you are the person i
have and will always love the most. you are the most important person to
me. i know my time spent with you hasn't been very long, but thank you
for letting me become such a big part of your life and i hope i never leave
it

— leah

honestly i've been sat here trying to put how i feel into words and i
don’t even know why bc nothings ever gonna do it properly but whatever
i’m doing it anyway


you’re everything to me. you’re absolutely everywhere in my life now.
i don’t even realise it half the time until i catch myself doing it. i’ll
be walking somewhere or lying in bed staring at the ceiling or just listening
to music or even just breathing and somehow it’s you. you’re in everything
now. every little thing. it’s actually insane. it’s like you’re stitched
into everything. i’ll hear a song that’s not even about love and somehow
it still reminds me of you. i’ll see some random little thing like a weird
shaped cloud or a cat sitting on a fence and i’m like yeah she’d think
that’s funny. i’ll be staring at the moon and wondering if you’re looking
at it too. it’s like my brain has just decided everything beautiful or
funny or even slightly soft belongs to you now. i’ll be brushing my teeth
or staring at the ceiling or making food and suddenly there you are again,
in my head, like you live there full time rent free

and it’s not just the nice stuff either. even when things feel heavy or
hard you’re still there in my head, like this soft little reminder that
not everything is terrible. like i could be having the worst day ever and
still somewhere in the back of my mind it’s like yeah but she loves me.
and it makes it bearable in a way nothing else ever has. you're this quiet
reminder that no matter how bad it feels right now, i’ve still got you.
and that’s everything. you’re the thing that makes the ugly parts of life
feel survivable. you don’t even know how much you’ve changed things for
me just by existing


i don’t even know when it happened. like when did you become so much a
part of me i can’t separate it anymore? i can’t remember what it felt like
before you. i think i was probably getting through life okay but i wasn’t
really living. everything felt flat. and i didn’t even realise it til you
came and put colour back into everything

i love you in this way that feels so big sometimes it’s a bit scary. like
it’s bigger than me. it’s not just something i feel it’s something i am.
i am made of love for you now. it’s in my blood, it’s in my bones, it’s
in the air i breathe. i don’t even know how else to explain it. you’re
not something outside of me anymore. you’re part of me now and i don’t
ever want that to change. i know it’s surreal bc we’ve not even met yet,
not properly. but i swear it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t feel like it matters.
you feel closer to me than all the people i’ve known my whole life. you
feel like home. you are home. and when i think about actually getting to
see you, getting to be with you, it’s almost too much to even think about.
like my chest physically hurts in the best way whenever i picture it

sometimes i sit and just think about everything we haven’t even done yet.
all the moments waiting for us. holding hands for the first time, hearing
your laugh in real life, falling asleep next to you, waking up and seeing
your face first thing in the morning, just sitting in a room together doing
absolutely nothing, and it’s all so simple but it’s all i want. i imagine
the stupidest things sometimes, like standing in a queue with you at a
shop, or sitting next to you on a train, or watching some dumb show in
bed and falling asleep halfway through, or you stealing my hoodie and me
pretending to be annoyed but actually loving it. you lying next to me,
half awake, hair messy, voice all soft and tired. you laughing at some
dumb joke i make and me just staring at you bc you’re literally the prettiest
thing i’ve ever seen. i don’t need big fancy things. i just need you

hi again (≧▽≦)/

so ummm.m... . i made another website... , .,,, .,...

you saw the first one already and i thought that would be it — like “YIPPEE i made her a website !! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ achievement unlocked”

but then my brain was like “something feels ..... off ...

(╹ -╹)?”

and suddenly i was back in the code like a girl possessed

( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) 

anyways welcome to version two ⊹₊⟡⋆

this one feels closer to you.

not that the other one was bad!! it was fine!! but this one just,,,,

idk, it feels like you?

i didn’t plan to redo it. i literally just opened the file to work on different things

and then six hours went by and i was deep in a totally different layout

making something completely different for no reason except i thought it might make you smile.

i’ve officially lost control of the situation (⸝⸝⸝>﹏<⸝⸝⸝)

some stuff’s still broken. some pages are nonsense !!

you might click on something and it takes you absolutely nowhere !!

but that’s okay because this isn’t a project

this is just me being in love and not knowing how to shut up about it or how to handle it

it’s a bunch of “i love you”s disguised as buttons and boxes and way too many lines of code.

and i’ll probably keep updating or changing it.

because you keep changing me.

and i want this whole thing to grow with us

every error 404, every fix

just, once again, know this place exists because of you

because you make me want to make things

because you make me so full of feeling i need somewhere to put it or i’ll explode (⸝⸝⸝O﹏ O⸝⸝⸝)

because i love you more than what the first website could hold

so i made this one

and maybe i’ll make another. and another

(you are an endless source of inspiration and also i’m insane about you)

i love you.

click around. it’s mostly harmless .. mostly .. i think ..

( 〃．．)

– leah